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i don't know...just live your life and leave me alone..
(but i don't really want to be alone)

if u wanna ask questions, adivices or just talk..that's my email-
tomsaintclair28@gmail.com
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...I lost it
11/04/2015 10:20
Lonely guy

.A lot of things happened since the last time I wrote here
.Things have happened, things have changed and I guess I gotta write about them 
?After all... thats why Im here, right

.so first of all... damn I dont know how to start
.Me and my... girlfriend... Jenny had a conversation some weeks ago. A conversation about us
.It was hard because we decided that we should break up
I know, I know... its weird because I said that we will never break up and that what is happening between us we will stay forever
But... I guess that life decides what they want for you, and
.you arent the one to decide for your life
We broke up because of me being far away from home. I could understand her because I feel the same way as she feels. The distance was killing us. I was scared that guys from the right and from the left were flirting with her 
.touching her... fucking her. even though shes my girl, and they all should have know that
And she was scared from the same reason. That girls were flirting with me and touching me and convincing me to fuck them. I understood all what she was talking about, I could feel the same way. But Im so hurt from this... I dont know what will happen next. I dont know if we will come back, and if we will, will it be the same as before? I dont wanna sound desperate or something like that.. but I cant live my life without this woman. I cant imagine myself live some happy life without her by my side. I just cannot live without her
And I dont know what to do, how to live with this pain inside my heart. it isnt the usual pain of losing someone close to you. Its a pain that comes from the deepest parts of yours. pain that spreads to every limb in your body and affects you irreversibly. pain whose actually a poison, a poison who flows in your veins and burns you from the inside to the outside
.a poison who paralyzes you
 .and you feel it only when you lose a big part of yourself
.and within this break-up... I lost myself completely

The breakup conversation happened on the phone, kinda 
.shitty I know but thats all we had
Jenny cried a lot, said that she have never thought this will happen, but she cannot hold this anymore. she said 
we gotta break up for ourselves and for our good, cause far away relationships never end nicely, and we have luck that we dont hate each other because of the distance. she said that we will come back, she promised me we will come back. because she doesnt want any other guy but me. but right now she prefers to stay focus on her studying without me or any other person around her 
And I just held my tears inside of me, buried them deep in a box inside my heart and said to every thing she said "okay" and "I understand". But I actually was broken 
.I was in the middle of a rough week of studying and it just came from nowhere to me
when I woke up in the morning after the phone call, even though I wished not to, I literally became a zombie
I walked in my school corridors like a dead body. didnt feel any touch like numb. didnt listen in the lessons and just waited for them to end 
(which is something that never happened before, because I really love my lessons over there)
instead of doing my homework I went to the gym and 
.punched every punching bag until my hands started bleeding
my roommate, my friends, even one of my teachers saw that theres something wrong with me. when they asked if theres some problem,I said no and that Im just ill a little bit
I wore that mask that everyone talks about. the mask who make everything looks ok even though it isnt ok
I never wore this mask before, I never hid my feelings next to other people. but this time it was hard not to, it was like air to breath
.and the days went by, I tried to get along with the feeling of the emptiness I had inside of me 
.it was hard, very hard 
every night in 12 am me and Jenny used to call each other
and talk until one of us gets tired. so the night was the hardest part in the day for me. I couldnt call her, couldnt hear her voice, couldnt tell her I love her
.I succeeded to get used to it for something like two days, but then the Easter holliday came
I didnt want to visit Miami, but my mom, whose stubborn as hell, insisted me to come. I couldnt resist her so I came
in her first glance at me, she saw that theres something wrong with me. she tried to ask sometimes whats wrong but I avoided her questions. I couldnt talk about it with anyone
 I couldnt find the right words for how to describe how dead I am. so I just didnt tell it to anyone

I went to Dannys grave after some really long time I havent been there. I just sat there, cried my heart out with talking as long as I felt its ok to do. I wanted to cry, but I didnt 
the pain from his death (that I never really succeeded to get over of) helped me to forget for some moments about the pain of the breakup from Jenny
.sometimes, focusing on one pain helps you to forget about other pain. and it helps 
 .but something like... a day after the relief I had, the pain came back in his cruel way
.in the Spring, that nights in Miami are very warm and nice. so we went to the beach
I sat there with some friends, we were talking and laughing and doing 
.whatever bored teenagers can do
.then, a group of girls came 
.and, in not very surprisingly way, Jenny was one of them
Owen my best friend told me he invited her, and hes surprised that I havent invited her by myself
.and I was surprised that Jenny havent told him about her breaking up with me
when she saw me and got closer to say hello, I wanted her to go away. because I couldnt handle the pain I felt when she was close to me. but I didnt say anything 
she was like "hey there, Thomas" as shes used to say and I was like "hello there, Jennifer" as Im used to say even tho it was painful for me to
she smiled, and I tried to smile too, without succeeding. she saw it and her eyes became sad, she whispered "Im sorry" and went away
so basically, the time with her but without her went ok. the pain in my heart was unbelievable, breathtaking. everytime I looked at her laughing or talking with her friends I felt like someones shoving a hot metal stick inside my stomach 
.she talked with everyone, everyone, but me 
a guy that I dont really remember his name but I dont really care about it was with her all the night
.they seemed pretty close
I didnt like it. of course I didnt. I cannot find any guy who likes that his girlfriend is flirting with someone else
.and at some point, he invited her to go for some walk with him
.I couldnt stay blind to this so I didnt even think twice before telling Owen I wanna follow them
Owen, which was totally confused from the behavior of me and Jenny to each other, wanted to know whats the thing
I was like "I'll tell you whats the thing. Jenny broke up with me three weeks ago. now can you come with me or what?"
the words just came outta my mouth without me even thinking about them. I told this sentence very fast cause I didnt want it to affect me so much
"?Owen was like "are you fucking kidding? what? why
"theres no time for explains, I'll tell you later. c'mon theyre getting far away"
he got up from his place on the sand and we started to walk after Jenny and her new friend. I felt how the anger was built inside of me. I wanted to shout to the world that Jenny is mine. MINE. and no one will never get her
.but it was to late
Owen was full of questions for me about what happened with Jenny and I. questions that I told him to keep inside of his mouth until we finish our mission
and then he told me something: "it doesnt even make any sense. you both just have to be "together" he said "you gotta fight to bring her back to you
"and I told him, in my mind, "I will
Jenny and her friend went to sit on some rocks up the beach. me and Owen followed them and sat some miles away from them
.they talked. Jenny seemed pretty happy. she was happy and I was angry
I didnt understand. she said that she doesnt want any guy but me. she said that she prefers staying focus on her studying without any guy around. so what was that?
a lot of disturbing thoughts came up to my mind. thoughts about her leaving me for him. thoughts about him telling her to leave me. thoughts about he and her together before she .even mention a break up
.but all of this seemed like a very good fairy tale 
I told to myself again and again "Jenny will never do something like that to you 
".she cares about you. she knows youre hurt. she loves you 
and when I succeeded to get over of those thoughts, I realized what was happening in front of .my eyes
Jenny and the guy sat really close next to each other, she laughed from everything he told her .that weirdly seemed funny. and then, this guy leaned closer to her
my body went stiff to the sight. he was gonna kiss her. I knew 
.he was gonna kiss her
I wanted to stop it so badly that the need of that was stronger than the pain I felt (and still feel (by the way
 but I stopped myself from getting up and run to kick his ass, I wanted to see what Jennys .gonna do
.he leaned closer and closer, she looked at him, smiling, and then he kissed her
"!I was like in my head "c'mon Jenny! stop him now! this is worng
she was surprised. her eyes were open and her hands were on his chest trying to pull him off. .but for some seconds. it seemed like she kissed him back
.and then my mind went black
I got up from my place, didnt listen to Owen who told me to sit down. I jumped on the rock we .hid behind and ran to them. Owen called my name loudly so they heard it
Jenny pushed the guy away from her and got up, shocked as hell. I didnt even look at her .before I threw myself on the guy. punching him hard under his jaw
I hit him again and again in every piece of his body that my hands touched. he tried to fight me back, but I didnt even give him a chance before I pulled him down, sat on him, grabbed his .neck and started to choke him
.I wanted him to be dead
I felt Owens hands trying to pull me off the guy. I heard Jenny yelling me to stop. but I didnt .care. I just didnt care. I lost it. I lost any trace of control inside of me 
I dont have a lot of fears, but one of my biggest fears is losing control. to lose connection with .my mind, with whats right and whats wrong, with my humanity
just lose it all and become the monster that Im struggling to keep inside of me every fucking .day
but the monster won the fight. the fear took control on me. I became the monster I am... just .because a girl I love
.but she was worth it. so. fucking. worth it
but then, I felt Owens punch in my jaw. it was hard and painful and I lost my focus for a .moment
.Owen used his chance and push me off the guy who already started to become dizzy 
he grabbed me with my hands behind my back. told me to
 .stop, breath, and think
.I was angry, I was deadly, I was about to explode and turn into pieces
.Jenny checked the guy to see if hes ok, and when she saw he'll be fine, she looked at me
.we need to talk. now" she said"
Owen asked me if Im ok, I told him yes and he released me. Jenny grabbed my hand and told .Owen to take care of the guy
she pulled me along with her to another place behind the rocks. when I glanced at her for the .first time I saw shes crying. some other pain appeared in my heart
"whats wrong with you?" she asked me "I dont understand it Tom I really dont. whats wrong "?!with you? why did you do that? why did you almost kill him
.he kissed you. he thought youre his" I answered"
.I am not his!" she yelled" 
 .true. you are mine" I said"
.I am not yours either! stop being such a caveman and grow up!" she said"
"?why did u break up with me, Jenny"
I asked, my voice broke. "why did you leave me? why are you letting me live with this fucking pain? do you not understand that Im weak as fuck without you? do you not understand that I "?cant live without you
this is hard for me as its hard for you Tom, but you have to understand me. I cant do it when" youre so far away" she cried and wiped the tears off her chicks. I wanted to do that. I wanted .to make her feel ok. but I couldnt do it... I was too hurt
"?but if you love me so much as you said" I said "why arent we together"
.she didnt answer
"?Jenny, do you love me"
.she didnt answer. my heart broke
   ".you dont love me"
.I said. almost screaming 
.she bited her lower lip, got closer to me and grabbed my shirt
baby I love you!" she yelled, her eyes full with tears. "I love you but I cant show it to you when" youre so far away! I cant live without you either and the pain is killing me. but I just cant do this
.if you loved me you wouldnt do that" I sad and pulled her off me"
"you dont love me, thats ok, I understand. why would you love me? Im a monster and Im nothing next to you. youre too perfect and too good for me. I understand, thats ok"
?all of it was a lie, yeah
I couldnt add any other word without breaking apart, so I just leaned closer, kissed her forehead, turned around and ran away. leaving her behind me
I ran all the way from the beach to my house without stopping. I didnt feel like stopping. all I wanted to do is to run and forget all of it.
only when I got home I felt how breathless I am, but I still didnt give a fuck. I went upstairs .and entered the shower
I took all my clothes off, came into the shower and only there, under the hot water, I let my .tears run off my eyes after 3 weeks of avoiding them
it was awful.. feeling that way. feeling like every source of hope and happiness that you had .inside of you just fade away and keep you worthless and depressed
I cried loud, didnt care about my parents that slept in the room next to me. I just cried and let out everything I could under the hot water. when I calmed down I went outta the shower right to my room and fell into the bed, staring the ceiling until I fell asleep.

the day after I turned off my phone. did all the homework I havent did in the last 3 weeks. after that I took my dogs for a long walk, when I came back home my dad was there. we had a little talk. I told him what happened. he was positive and told me that everything will be ok, I just need to wait and stay open for options (didnt understand what he meant by that) and then we went out play some basketball. when my mom came back home from work I had a conversation with her about the case. she was optimistic like my dad was, said that people who belong to each other will never break up. and then we went to eat something outside. I wasnt hungry and couldnt eat what my dad ordered to me. but then my mom offered me a deal: "if you will eat all this stake" she pointed on the big stake in my plate "I'll pay for some tattoo you will do this evening"
it kinda turned me on, so I ate my food very fast (which was pretty tasty haha) and when we .went outta the restaurant I took my parents to the tattoos shop which I did all my tattoos there
  .it didnt take so long until I decided what I want
.I wanted something meaningful, something who means a lot to me
,so I tattooed the sentence I love the most: Never Give Up
.on my ribs cage

.so maybe now things seems pretty dark and confused
.Im still sad, Im not saying Im fine
.but Im not gonna give up on her, on Jenny
.we will come back to be together, even if it will be that last thing i'll do

.Thank you for reading guys, Tom Tom


.so in here is like 3:20 am and Im sitting here in my computer
.I cant sleep
.Im afraid I'll die from a heart attack or something like that
,I had some pain in my heart (physical one) yesterday 
"?and I was like "omg did the cancer come back
.lol I wont be surprised if it did 
?so, guys, have a good.... morning? I guess
.love ya all
8 תגובות
סרטוןAudioslave - Like a Stone (Official Vide...
just fuck that I dont have a title
21/12/2014 22:30
Lonely guy
.Im not saying that my life hate me or something like that
.sometimes they just wanna teach me something
.but the last lesson was a goddamn slap on my face

.its Christmas evening soon, and Im home in Miami
.I was here in the Thanksgiving but I still missed it so much
anyways... me and my girlfriend Jenny were just walking in the mall, talking and smiling and laughing and any other things that couples do together
she was like "I need to go to some store... for the present I wanna buy u" 
I still dont know what it is though, but I bought her a dress that she wanted and couldnt buy it, and a sewing machine because the one she has is fucked up and she needs it for her school
so she went to the store she wanted while I was sitting some miles away from it cause she didnt want me to know what kind of store it is
so I just set on a bench and talked with my friend Owen in text messages. some moments after, a girl set next to me on the bench. then, I didnt know why is she so familiar to me and why I recognized her soo good. but when she turned her face to my side, I understood who she was
do u remember, it was one of my first posts, my ex girlfriend Alice who cheated on me?
.so yes, boom. it was her
I dont know where she came from, seriously, since I came back to Miami (from Israel) I did not see her even once
.and then she just poped in one day and made my world fall apart
she looked at me for some moments, and I prayed to Jesus (which is something I usually dont do) to make her not to recognize me
but... Jesus decided to be a bitch just bcuz I dont believe him and then she called my name
.her voice made me go crazy
.fuck u Jesus, oh my God
she was like "Tom... is that u?" and I thought in my head 'no its not me, who r u, what the fuck do u want from me, go away u freaky bitch'
and she was like "oh my God! it has been a long time since the last time we saw each other"
!yeah bitch bcuz u make me sick
I know I could just get up and pretend that it never happened, but my mind didnt work as they usually worked and I was fucked up
I turned my head to her and looked at her. she didnt change a lot. her hair grew up a little bit, her face kinda changed. but she still had these cute puppy face she always had
I wanted to get up and run the fuck away from there. it was a big mistake I didnt do it
I was like "hi..." with a fake smile and a thought in my head "go away". (I dont know why I smiled, u idiot!)
she asked me how Im doing and what Im doing these days... I didnt answer. I was just "Im fine..." and didnt say much more
it was hard to keep my mouth shut next to her. she knows kinda everything about me. think about it... one bright day u meet someone u thought ure never gonna see again, and this someone knows everything about u and can use it on u anytime it wants
?but shit happens... huh

she just talked and talked about her like were friends in a usuall meeting. but no, I am not her friend. I will never be her friend
I didnt listen to all the shit she told me about... but then she was like "u know... I kinda miss u. sometimes I just think about u and regret that I decided that a relationship with u isnt worth it"
when I found out shes cheating on me, I didnt waste time on checking why the fuck is she doing that. I just walked away
so yeah I know I lived far from her, but if I couldnt fuck her all day long didnt mean she needed to replace me
.I hate that bitch
she was like "I know u still miss me too... tom tom" with her snakey tounge. she put her hand on my thigh and leaned closer to me. I just breathed and tried to calm myself down cuz I got really angry and scared. and when Im angry and scared - I hit people, and even though she is a girl (I dont hit girls) I wanted to give her the punch of her life
"I was like "you are wrong. I dont miss u at all
"but she laughed like a bitch. "ure a horrible liar
it isnt true. Imma good liar, but only next to people who do not make my heart pound like crazy
Alice was like "can u forgive me? please? I know I made some terrible mistakes and I hurt u... but I want u to forgive me and forget all Ive done, and then, will we start again?"
her hand went from my thigh to my jaw, and she turned it to face her. 
.my eyes got stuck on her big dark eyes and all I wanted to do is to run
.please?" she asked again and leaned even more closer"
I lost my breath and mind and I just wanted to push her away, tell her that I hate her and she makes me sick and I dont wanna see her ever again
but I stayed, and staying was shitty and pointless like reading fifty shades of grey. (dont look at me that way, Jenny has those books. once she was reading the first one and I took it from her and read the page she was in... when that stupid guy spanks the ass of that stupid girl and she describes how amazing it makes her lady town feel. I was like to Jenny "do u want me to do this to u? bcuz I can... u know..." and she was like "nooooo oh my god forget it" and she never read this book next to (me again
I prayed to Dear Jesus again, asked him to make Jenny come here now and take me away from that monster
but somehow, I got courage. I was like "no" took her hand and put her away from me Alice was like "cmon I know u still want me and "I dont think theres a girl who can replace my place"
then, like an angel, Jenny came back. the air came back to my lungs and I felt better and proud and not scared anymore. I got up, grabbed Jennys waist and kissed her hard on her lips
.she was suprised, and when I looked back to Alice she was suprised too
.HA HA FUCK YA BITCH
I was like "Alice, this is my girlfriend Jenny. and Jenny, this is a woman that I dont wanna see ever again, Alice." and smiled
Jenny was like "umm hello?" and Alice looked at us, smiled a confused smile and "said "so hmm.. it was nice to see u again Tom, bye bye" and ran away
...and I was happy cuz I showed the bitch whose the boss

Jenny asked me, some minutes later, who was that girl. 
"I was like "I told u about her once, she is the girl who cheated on me
.she was shocked, and asked what the hell did she want
.I was honest and said that she wanted me to forgive her and start again
"Jenny, bcuz shes my girl, was like "oh yeah? she can fuck off
.and I just laughed and kissed her and said thanks in my head that its over
.I hate to admit it but this girl Alice is one of my worst fears
after I found out she betrayed me I turned into that shitty guy who fuck thousands of girls without even blinking and without wanting a real relationship 
.I was scared ya know... that it will happen to me again
.she turned me into a monster that I dont wanna be anymore
,seeing her again, as its writen in the begining... was a fucking slap to my face 
.a slap and a reminder to who I was then, and who I am now

.anyways guys... thank u for reading and merry Christmas
 (: I hope I will be able to write again soon, I kinda missed it



Im not a big fan of the lord of the rings or something
.but those moviesooks are fucking awesome
the first movie came out in 2001, I was 5 and my dad took me to watch it... I just loved that
and then I remember some days after that my dad came with three books in his hands which were the lord of the rings series, he told me that they are his books and he thinks I shall read them... I was like ok?? cause I didnt understand. Im only 5 years old why does he gives hell of books to read?? lol so I couldnt refuse and I started reading them, I kinda sucseed read the first one (in a month lol) but the others were very hard for me so I stopped... and then 2002 came and the second movire came out and then 2003 the third movie... I loved the movies but when the time passed the love just faded
I still remember everything from it... I remember I cried when Gullom takes the ring from Frodo and then falls off the cliff and u see him smiling and happy and then he just drowns in the fire. and then Sam (omg I loved him too) looks down the cliff and tries to catch Frodo XD
...it was pretty amazing
.ugh I worte alot here sorry 
;)
13 תגובות
feeling good.
22/08/2014 23:52
Lonely guy
 i feel like talking and telling whats going on and stuff.. so lets just do it.

"?i worte a post.. a long ago.. its name was "is everything really alright
then, i wondered if all the good stuff that happens to me r real and everythings just fine and calm.
now, i have an answer.
everything is super alright.
im just.. living it.. im living an awesome life.
i have everything that i want, i have great friends, i have an amazing girlfriend that i love the most.
(im very popular (well that isnt new, ya know, to be honest
and im healthy, goddamn healthy.
those medication i started take, they do their job really well..
i have nothing, my heart is 100% ok.
i still have.. 2 more weeks to take them, but now it seems very good.
and im happy.. yeah.. happy.
its new, very very new.
something like.. 3 or 4 months ago, that thing.. "happiness" seemed very far away from me.
but now this is a part of my life.
i am not that lonely and sad person i was when i came here.. to this blog.
the person i was then, is now sick.. laying in his bed of misery and about to die.
who was i when i get here? well...
i was deprssed, sad and angry person.
my best friend just died, i left one of the girls i love that most.
my other "friends" were just a gang of some idiots, selfish people.
i was down, i was lonely, i was sick and i was about to die.
i had some ups and downs, more downs than ups actually.
but recently.. it all became brighter.

i have 2 bestie friends, owen and jake.
owen is.. so awesome.
he reminds me of danny somehow, with this blond hair and all the stupid things he does.
and yeah he has his drinking and doing drugs problems, but hes the best for me.
he makes me laugh everytime we meet.
he makes me feel free and makes me feel comfy in everything that i do.
hes one of a kind.
and jake.. jake is awesome as well.
hes a cute pretty guy, (im not gay its true, everyone says it)
he comforts, he helps, all the things that he does for me equel to gold.
so yeah maybe he kissed me twice (hes the gay over here)
and maybe he talked to me in a dirty way, like owen talks to the girls.
but hes still awesome and great.
3 of us r like stick together, we never leave anyone alone.
i can trust them to never betray me of make me feel bad.
and that how it works.

and then.. theres jenny.
i will fucking marry her, i swear.
i lover her so damn much, i cant even explain it by words.
well.. i actually.. i do not love her.
i am in love with her.
i can count the times i was in love with one hand, but i have never been in love with a girl so much as im in love with her.
shes.. wow i cant even find the right word to describe this amazing girl.
shes my one, i can feel it.
shes the most beautiful girl ive ever met... with these big grey eyes.. that long browny hair..
her smile is like a huge cave of diamonds.
her body is gorgeous, ya know, i can just look at her for 1 second and it drives me crazy.
i just couldnt get anything better..
she knows my whole story, she knows everything ive been through, she knows about my mistakes.
and she never cared.
she never showed any bad feeling about me.
shes my best friend, i can tell her everything thats in my mind without scared of judging or anything else.

we know each other something like.. 2 years.. danny knew me her (thank u about that dude) and i always felt somethimg diffrenet about her.
our first kiss, didnt happen when we became together..
it happened a long ago..
i was in a vacation in miami, i went with danny and with her to a bar.
when we came there, after something like 10 mins she asked me to dance with her.
i didnt know how to dance.
she said that its not a problem, that i need just to stay close to her and move along with her body.
so i did, it turned me on in so many ways.
after we came back to sit, danny found a girl to start with her.. and left us alone.
jenny all the time stared at me, til she asked me if she can try something.
i was like of course go ahead, and then she kissed me.
i was suprised, but i kissed her back anyway.
when she left my lips she was kinda blushing and giggeling, saying thanks and leaving me wanting more. but we didnt have another kiss.
we kissed again after 3 months, when i was in another vacation in miami (i visited miami every time i could when we were in israel, just for ur knowing)
but then we didnt stop.
we were like she hugging my neck, and i holding her hips.
we looked like a couple.
then she asked me if i can come with her to her house, i said yes.
we had sex in that night, and dont u dare to think that shes a kind of a whore,
it was her first time, and she chose me to do it with her.
and it was speical..
when we got to her house and she took me to her room, i felt so good, i didnt even know why.
i took her clothes off, leaving her with her bra and unders..
and then she took my shirt off, and saw all my scars and my stitches.
but u know what?
she didnt look at me in that sad face.. like i am kind of a dying hungry dog in the pouring rain.
she looked at me like i am tom, like im a storng and good person.
i stood there, without my shirt that hides my mistakes, and she saw all my weaknessess, they were right in front of her, but she never cared.
she just put her hands on my belly, where my stitches r.. and kissed me.
and then we did what we did.
she always says that my scars make me a storng person.
that even if i have all that on my skin, im still keep going, and i never give up.
after the sex, when we were laying on her bed, her head leaned on my chest and i listened to her quiet breaths.
i waited for her to say something, saying that she loves me, and she wants us to be together.
i was ready to say yes, and that i love her too.
but she didnt say anything, and i couldnt say anything either bcuz my ego was too big that i wanted to hear that from her.
but she didnt.. she just fell asleep on me..
i was kinda hurt after i have to admit, cause even after a day, a week, a month, she never said anything about us.
i thought she was just using me.
but she always talked about that, our sex, in a thankfull way.
she said that i made her feel so good, like a queen, and she couldnt get someone better for doing this.
and i was happy for that.
but still.. everyday we werent together after this night, i swored my self for being so stupid and egoistic.
because we couldve been together.

but it doesnt matter anymore, bcuz we are together now.
and she makes me so happy.
were like a puzzle, were complement each other.
i have my bad qualities and terrible moods, she has her good qualities and her perfection.
it all comes togther, we are balanced.
our relationship isnt taken for granted.
we meet any time we can.
i touch her and kiss her everytime i want.
my friends love her and respect her, my parents say shes the best i could find.
(i feel like an emotional girl when im saying all this stuff oh my god)
and her parents like me too.
i met her whole family recently, she took me to a family dinner.
i met her big brothers and all the rest.
i was kinda nervous lol.. im good only with my family.
but i actted great, i smiled and talked and i was polite and answered on any question they asked me.
it was funny cuz her brothers took me to a real long convo and jenny was like "oh god can u guys leave him alone for only one second?!"
the day after she told me that after i went back home all her family was like "hes so cute and pretty and smart and mature"
(to be honest (2#)
 im being a 6 years old child every second in the day, idk how did they get to the fact that im
(mature
but it doesnt matter, the most important thing that her family loves me.
idk when ill meet her with my whole family.
but no matter what, im sure theyll like her.

i had a birthday 4 days ago.. so im 18 now
yeah yeah happy birthday blah blah blah
i always hated it.
the thing is... i dont wanna grow up.. but i cannot explain why.
for me, i prefer stay stuck at 18 and never grow up anymore...
i guess its because im a very childish boy (as i said before) and i know that when ill grow up more for 19 and 20 and 21 and so on and so far, the childness will become less important,
and thats kinda sucks cause i love being childish.. i dont wanna be the serious and boring one.. 
it adds to my personality ;)
but anyway nothing speical happened..  i got alor of "happy birthday" + "i love u" text message at fucking 7 am in the morning and it kinda pissed me off...
despite that they did to me a fucking suprise party.
i hate suprises and i hate birthday parties so but i got them togther.
but it was pretty nice.. i had a real fun and got drunk and had a birthday sex 
(which was amazing but u guys cannot know about that anything, not gor ur age anyway)
and thats all what i have to tell about my b-day...

ok.. i have one more thing to say.
i am leaving soon to new york, (somewhen in the start of september) to a college.
which means that.. ill have to leave the blog.
i wont delete that, dont worry.. but ill be very busy, and maybe i wont have time to write.
maybe i could get to a computer and write in hollydays vacations, idk.
but u could still write for me mails whenever u want, and ill try to answer them as soon as its possible.
im gonna learn in the college all the regular things.. plus.. criminal justice.
im thinking about being a lawyer, my dad is a manager of lawyers company and its a good money, and a cool job. so i wanna do that.
so in more.. 3 or 4 years.. if someone murders ur grandma.. u can call me.. and ill catch that son of a bitch and tear him to 3 pieces ;)

so anyway.. thats a very long post.. 
but its all about good stuff and i know that u whould love to read it.
thank u for reading guys... tom tom.


a great song from a great movie
("never back down")
6 תגובות
סרטוןTeenagers - My Chemical Romance [w/ Lyri...
a big moment of happiness
15/07/2014 02:19
Lonely guy
ok, i dont really know how to start this post.
because im in the middle of a freaking out time and its very hard to write, espeically to someone like me (tom tom, hi, how u doin?) so excuse me if itll be kinda messy and.. i dont know.. messy.

so anyway... my mom called me an hour ago.
she works at the hospital (doctor and stuff), which means that i can barely see her.
but when she has breaks she calls me, and we talk and she tells me stuff about what shes doing.
somtimes she even tells me about my medical stuff.
like today..
she called me, and started to tell me about surgeries she did and will do..
somtimes its like.. very annoying to hear about all those poor peopel who are sick and dying..
but u know.. thats the thing in a hospital.. without sick and dying people itll be just.. a big and clean building that has a weird smell.

so she just talked.. and talked.. like girls always do 
(without being mean or something.. but seriously.. u babes have alot to say right?)
and then she was like: 
"tom i have something very important to tell u"
she said with her smart voice.
"ok, tell me"
"i guess u know ur cancer didnt completely removed right?"
she asked, and she was right.. i dont remember if i told about that before, but my cancer is gone now for 90%. i still have those 10% who can be very dangerous.
but... but.. yes theres but.
"i managed to get enough approvals for u to be able to start taking biological treatment"
"what do u mean by... biological treatment?"
i asked her.
so she started explaining me what does all that mean in hers medical terms..
(but ill explain it in my way (cause its better.. of course its better
so.. biological treatment means that ill have to take some pills in a day.. pills that were adjusted to my body and my cancer situation is in, and thats basically will wipe it off.
which means.. ill be 100% clean from the cancer.
which means... OH MY FUCKING GOD.
which means... oh my god i dont ever know but right now im the happiest person in the fucking world.
OH MY GOD I WILL FUCKING LIVE, LIVE LIKE A MAN!
(excuse me for all these captial letters but thats how people on the internet express their feelings.)

when she told that and i realzide all the rest i was like
"can u.. talk to me later.. i need to scream and hug someone immediately"
i said, she laughed and said ok and hanged out.
now. imagine u the situation of an almost 18 years old guy 
(next month woho motherfuckers)
sitting on his bed, looking at the wall whos in front in him... and starting to scream
 "YESSSSSSS BITCHES"
i dont know what about u bros, but i whould laughing the soul outta me.
i just was so happy. i still am. its one of my happiest moments who happened to me in my whole life.
knowing that i will fucking live.
it actually made me cry. and i was running downstairs, looking for my dogs and when i found them i just hugged them and they were like "what the hell is worng with u man?" but i didnt care cause i was so happy.

now its like... 7:15 p.m here... im gonna meet my pretty babe jenny soon..
i cant wait to tell her that. i want her to be happy with me.
and then we will and meet our friends.. and idk how will i tell them that..
but i want them to be happy with me either.

so... thanks for reading.. tom tom.


maybe it isnt really related to what i worte..
but i love this song very much..
and i want u to love it too..
;)
12 תגובות
סרטוןGreen Day - Jesus Of Suburbia
let the pain out.
25/06/2014 20:00
Lonely guy
when i'm thinking about it.. i am not one of those people who keep everything inside...
even though i dont really like sharing my feelings.. but i do it anyway cause i know itll help me in some way..
when i feel like talking to someone because i feel like shit or something like that.. i find out something that i can trust to tell him whats on my mind and on my heart.
i actually never had a problem to show my feelings to others, to express them in some way.. 
espiecally good feelings.. when im happy and other things like that..
but i never show bad feelings to others.. i dont know why.. but if i do it, it makes me feel even more bad.
cause.. if ill show the sadness and the pain that inside of me to the people i love.. itll makes them sad.. and i dont want it to happen.
and if ill show that m sad and hurt to the people who hate me.. theyll use it aganist me
like what happned in this day..

it happened after danny died.. in one of those days that i did go to school..
it was chemistry lesson i guess.. 
i didnt listen to the teacher.. i knew all what i had to know anyway.. i was just drawing dead people in my notebook.
behind me was sitting some guy that purely hated me..
(sometimes i cant get peoples mind.. i didnt do any fucking thing to them but theyre still hating me like i killed their mothers)
i didnt do anything to him.. but he still hated me for no reason.
but u know what? i didnt really mind.. i know alot of people who dont like me and even me.. another one wasnt a big problem..
but he hated me in a real different way... everytime he saw im down or something like that he used it to hurt me in some way.
i always ignored him.. i told to myself that he isnt worth the time ill waste on him.. 
but still.. he never gave up.
at this day he bothered me all the lesson, in the beginging he just swore me and waited for my response.. but i ignored everything and focused in the drawings that was in my notebook.

something like 30 mintues before the lesson was over.. he realized that im not giving a fuck on him.. and decided to use the hardest weapon he had aganist me.
he used danny.
he just leaned forward to get closer to me, and that ill be the only one wholl hear him.
and he started talking.
"so.. i heard that danny died.. and i know u were very close friends.. how do u feel?"
i heard him but still ignored him.
"come on tom.. say something.. i know ure very sad about that"
he said again.
"that not one of ur business"
i told him and he started laughing..
"it must be terrible to be so lonely and sad like u.. dont u think?"
he asked and i started to get angry..
"shut up" 
i said.
"no i dont wanna shut up, i want u to tell me how dos it feel to lose someone that was very close to u" 
he said.
"its very bad and depressed.. alright? now leave me"
i said, but it was a terrible mistake to say this in front of him.
"oh yeah? well.. i think u derserve all of this"
he started saying..
"u left danny alone here for all these years... and now... he left u.. forever"
when he said that.. i tottaly lose it..
i was so angry.. i wanted him to get the fuck away from me.

so i got up from my sit.. the teacher stopped talking and everyone looked at me and him.
i turned around.. grabbed him in his shirt and punch his nose so hard that i could hear the bone cracking.
i was like "shut the fuck up u asshole" and let him fall back to his chair.
"!it took the teacher 2 seconds to scream at me "tom get away from my class right now.
so i did.. i went away from the class and slammed the door after me.
i leaned on a wall that was next to the door.. trying to calm myself down.. but it was very hard.. when i just wanted to cry..
after something like 5 mintues that i was outside.. the door opened and the teacher walked outta the class.
he stood in front of me.. folding his hands and looking at me face.
"whats worng tom? what did he do?" 
he asked me, but i didnt answer.
"come on, tell me. then i will know how to take care of ur problem"
he said again.
"he said.. things that werent nice about danny"
i answered.
"danny? this poor boy? he was ur best friend right?"
he asked.
"yeah"
"what did he said about him?"
he asked.. i looked at the floor while thinking how to explain everything.
"he said that i deserve his death.. cause i left him when i moved to israel, and now when i came back to miami hes gone"
i explained.
the teacher was quite for some annoying moments.. and then he opened his mouth.
"my wife died because of an accident too, before 2 years. she drove in our car to the mall, for buying a dress to our granddaughters wedding.
when she drove back to out house.. another car hit her car.. and she died after a day in the hospital"
he told me.. and i was in shocked.
"after she died i was so deprssed.. i could not do anything.. i just stayed in our room for a real long time, laying in our bed and thinking about what am i supposed to do now.
after 2 weeks that i stayed in my house, my son came to visit me and saw that i am in a terrible mood, so he tried to make me feel better. he told me that i need to find out something that will make me let all my pain out, something that will help me to feel better with myself.
so i thought about that.. and i decided to come back to the school, because i thought that teaching people will make me feel better, and i was right"
he said.. i just looked at him without saying a word.
"what do u think i need to do?"
i asked him after a moment without speaking
"u need to find something that will make u let ur pain out"
he answered.
"i cannot do this"
i told him.
"look tom, i know what u feel"
he started saying..
"u feel sad, angry, betrayed and abandoned"
i was thinking in my head that he wasnt really helping me by saying that.
but what could i do? he was so damn right.
and in this moment.. i started to cry.. i felt that a big tear is running down my face.
"u need to take all these feelings and push them into something that will make u let all out, that will only help u"
he said.
i was shutting my mouth to some mintues.. i looked at the floor cause i didnt want him to see my tears.
crying in front of people will never be my thing.
"what can i do then?"
i asked him when i felt kinda better.
"do something u love to do. like.. i love teaching people, and thats what i did when i wanted to let my pain out" 
he answered.
"did it help?"
i asked.
"it did. sometimes i still have those breaking moments.. but it really did help me"
he answered.

so i listened to him.
i did the things who always make me feel better..
when i felt sad and angry and all the rest i drew as long as i can.
i played all the songs i know on my guitars.
and when i had those breaking moments i just cried.. i didnt keep any tear inside.
and it helped me to feel better.
it still does by the way..

thank u for reading... tom tom.


soon itll be a year without u danny..
i really miss u dude..
if i visit u every week, come to visit me.. ok?
it will make me happy.
6 תגובות
סרטוןJohny Cash Hurt with lyrics
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